I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This is the high leading the old right now
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
