woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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