Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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