I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
stop calling my apartment porn island.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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