My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
