it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
