Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
