The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We're too hungover to prance.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
