I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
