is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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