I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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