My liver just broke up with me...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize