Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
