I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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