my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
