Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
