You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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