So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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