i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
FUCK WHALES
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