im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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