You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
