The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
