ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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