I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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