Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
