I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
