Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
