Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
