My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
