plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
