I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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