Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
