you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
