I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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