Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
