M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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