this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize