If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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