how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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