I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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