Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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