You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
