my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
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