i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
