last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
