I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
