Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize