im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
