You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
