oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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