apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
