She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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