So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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