Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
