That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
