Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
