My room smells like vodka and shame
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
