turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
