a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize