I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
